It’s the middle of the night, and I’m wide awake, feeling exhausted and nervous at the same time, and making myself a cup of warm milk. It almost seems like Christmas eve, when you are just as nervous and want to stay awake, to maybe get a glimpse of Santa who is coming to bring presents under the tree, and hopefully drink the milk and cookies you arranged for him. Only to fall asleep when he actually arrives.
We are on a roller-coaster of emotions these last few days.
Happy, angry, sad, are in one continuous motion, making each one having their peak every once in a while. We both are scared of what to come. We want to have that glow of a hopeful feeling, but it is only as big as a firefly.
I keep telling myself, it’s to not regret, having tried even something that has a very small chance of success. Because that would probably hunt me down. So that’s the main target for me, to eliminate the ‘what if’. Every other positive outcome is a bonus.
We made sure this weekend would be like a good meal before a work out. I loved every minute of it. Even with all the emotions passing through. We had the best lazy afternoon after a busy morning with puppy school and last preparations.
Snuggling on the couch together, with a nice cold Rose, about 6 pounds of various chicken snacks (that all went down off course), and watching the Harry Potter Collection.
Sunday morning I wanted to go to the Gym. Didn’t know if I could even do anything, but I just wanted to be there, since I shan’t be for quite a while again.
It was like I needed it. I gave everything I got.
I wanted to leave with the feeling I pushed through, that I am not as weak as I think I am at the moment. So it would boost me through the upcoming days. I can push through, I can do this.
And it went great! Maybe it was the combination of the Wonder Woman socks together with the Superman shirt… whatever it was…. I felt great. I was proud of what I could accomplish feeling the way I do.
After the Gym, Ramon took me to lunch. The mist finally had cleared, and the warmth of the sun, made the location of our lunch date even more idyllic.
It almost felt like Italy all over again.
Together with Kuzco and Malha, enjoying each other’s company, sitting in the sun, with a perfect balanced fish salad and a nice glass of wine.
Fear was getting the hold of me tonight. Making me breathe poorly, and unable to fall asleep. But somehow the warm milk, and the Gym has done its job. My body is feeling warm and heavy, and every muscle is very much present at the moment. Writing about our wonderful weekend, make the happy vibes it left behind, suppress the anxiety in me.
Yes, I can sleep now, and I will get through this first week.