We have celebrated it bigtime! We definitely needed a little happiness, laughter and love over some good food. Ramon’s birthday was last week, and he really wanted to celebrate it this time. “I’m so thankful I still can.” And that made me think of joining the two parties together. So we had a pre- Thanksgiving.
This year is filled with one blow after another. With the most recent one, the death of my sister’s partner. It’s crazy to think she helped me through August with almost losing my partner, and barely two months later, she lost hers.
I so much wanted to be there for her, the way she was for me at that time. So I tried my very best, did things I never, ever had done before, (and was sure I wasn’t able to, until the situation arose, and I just did…. For her.) But that didn’t felt like enough, I wanted to do so much more. So when Ramon offered to change her entry room, to make it a little more livable for her, I couldn’t wait to start. This was something I could do, putting in my willpower and way to much medication…. But it would be worth it. This is where I can show my love for her.
Ramon, my dad, and me, were like a typhoon raging through her house. Within three days, the entry room had a total make-over. I had given it all. Two weeks of taking more meds, my kidneys took it hard. The only thing to do now, was take a rest, and let my pee turn to its normal color again. But then my mind went crazy. I thought about my sister, what she is going through, the what if’s and what then, Ramon, myself, my health, the future…..
Thank God for my therapist!!!!
She told me to, off course, focus on positive things. Make a daily effort in thinking about what went good, and what made me happy. Try to write, even when I’m angry. Anger is what I feel so much at the moment. And the only way I usually cope with my anger is to channel it physically. Work (it) out. But that isn’t going so well right now, so it is wise to start thinking about other means that could help as well. Especially when the time comes, I maybe no longer able, to pull the iron again, the way I still can today.
Perhaps it is time again to buy cheap China…..
When I told her the party we were having, and how important the meaning of this celebration was for me as well as Ramon, she applauded the idea. “Try to make this celebration to be the start again to write down your thoughts, create your stories with your drawings. After an evening spend together with the people you love, being thankful of each other for being in each other’s lives, this should be your inspiration.”
The party was a huge success.
In a way, it made things clear for me. I need to weather my storm. But while I navigate, I won’t be alone. These are the people that shared this horrible year together, each baring their own storm, but also a shared storm. And they all came together to find a little ray of sunshine through the storm.
I did anyway…
I found the sun.