I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. If it wasn’t so dark because of nightfall, I probably would have gone to draw. I need to get it out of my system you see.
Marja texted me that she felt the puppies move in Maya her belly, ever since we got back from the vet for an X-ray to count how many puppies to expect, and I must come to feel as well. I was so stoked. I went this evening, when I would be alone with Marja and the doggies, without any disturbance, so I could sit with Maya, and gently rub her belly. I didn’t feel much at first, but when Marja took my hand and guided it to a specific spot on Maya her belly, I felt it. My breath stopped for a moment, and I could barely hold my tears down. It was amazing! There it was, underneath the palm of my hand….tiny little puppies already arguing with each other who wants to lie where and how. Rumbling and tumbling all over each other. At first I felt something as a bubble of air passing through the bowls, but then I could almost hold a tiny head in my hand. It was gone before it even hit me, and I lifted my hand immediately, afraid I might have done something to startle it. But it was me who was startled! But I couldn’t wait to touch her belly again to feel what I just felt before. And I did!
I have thanked Marja probably a thousand times, explaining how grateful I am for her to be so understanding and really sweet to give me a chance to experience this in a way as if I was to have a child of my own. Because it so very much feels like it. There have been many, many occasions where I could have experienced this with humans amongst us whom have had babies, hell….. my sister is having one now who is even going to carry its second name after me…. But I always try to push it away from me as much as I can. It confronts me too much with something I will never have, but my heart so very much aches to want as well.
And even though I know this is a dog, (some might say just a dog…..) and there are 9 (!) puppies that will have to be sold….. there is one puppy in there that will be ours. A puppy from Kuzco, baring Kuzco’s genes. Kuzco, who after almost 10 years, have become my furry soulmate…my baby I will never have. But who will die sooner than I will, most likely. That’s why I loved the very special gift we got from Kuzco’s groomer last Monday. A Christmas ornament containing Kuzco’s hair.
I can’t imagine a life without him, and I really don’t want to actually. He simply is my everything. Ramon often yokes about my love being greater for Kuzco than for him, and if it comes down to a point of choosing, I would probably choose Kuzco over him. And he is probably right in a way, that I love them both as much. I think I’d rather kill myself than choose between the two of them. They both are truly my everything. So now there will be a little baby-puppy. One I have got the pleasure to get to know from the very first start. The mating dance between its parents, the actual conceiving, and the growing in its mommies belly. Soon there will be the birth, and the opening of its eyes, seeing his mommy for the first time instead of only smelling, and then seeing its human mommy….me.
Because there will be 9 puppies, there would probably be a need of helping Maya feed all of the puppies. Marja already bought powdered puppymilk to be prepared. It already contained a bottle, but she bought one extra bottle so I could help her with feeding the puppies….. my puppy. I again was so overwhelmed with her kindness, and thoughtfulness. This is going to be our baby. Our second baby. But now we have the chance to experience it all the way.
And tonight I have felt you my lovely, and I can’t wait to meet you. My beautiful little baby-puppy from my beautiful little furry soulmate. I can’t wait to cuddle you together in my rocking chair, and see all the tiny little resembles emerge that you inherit from your daddy, and teaching you all his mischiefs we rather don’t see, and his beautiful caring soul he contains. So there will be a new character with literally containing little pieces of my precious Kuzco inside. I feel so blessed. Blessed for our puppy to come, but also for people as Marja who understands the pain of the inability of having children and reflecting those mommy-feelings on a dog…… a very special dog.