I can’t sleep.

My mind is going like pigs in a mud bath. Most of them are happy thoughts, but even more than ever, my sad thoughts reappears.

We’re getting a baby!!!

Like a mantra I keep repeating those words. It’s becoming real now. Off course I’m talking about a puppy, but the butterflies in my stomach makes me feel like I’m getting a baby. And that makes me cry.

These last few months, the baby subject weigh heavily on my shoulders. My body is acting weird. I suddenly woke up one morning, and my boobless became boobies. And they didn’t stop growing… Ramon and I were totally in love with my ever growing boobs…. I could actually call them boobs by now, but because they hurt and didn’t stop growing, we went to see the doctor.

Off course the doctor was just as amazed as we were. I haven’t had a monthly cycle for over 10 years now. So I can’t get pregnant. A fact that made us both very sad at the time, because we fantasized about having children, and always dreamed it could be so, once I would get better. But three years down the road of my illness, I lost my virginity. We already had so many dreams being crushed along those three years, but this was a big one.

I sort of buried my grief over the loss, and it would only resurface when someone near me was pregnant, and I had to actively be happy for them and celebrate their joy with a babyshower, and then the worst thing of it all, go see the baby…. And be happy. I think I always succeeded the job. The only thing I really really couldn’t handle, was holding the baby, so I always declined.

Thank God, these baby thingy’s are occasional, because I am really messed up for a couple of days after a baby related intervention. It has always have been something I could burry deep, because there were so many other subjects in my life that were more pressing to work at.

Until, a few months ago. Now it can’t seem to leave my thoughts. And they are not happy thoughts. Only fear. A fear that goes beyond  ‘in a galaxy far far away’. Especially after some blood tests revealed that my hormones have decided to activate themselves again. Why???!!

For God’s sake….why???!! Some people told me I should be happy about it, because my body is finally getting ‘better’. But why should I be happy? I am not getting better. Not to be the pessimist here….those are the facts, it is what the doctors told us. So why then should I be happy, my hormones decide to be active after 10 years. We can’t have children anyway, with my illness. So it was always kind of convenient, my body decided to shut the whole baby-making-business down. It made it a little more bearable.

My monthly cycle still isn’t here, and my boobs, sadly enough, have deflated. So I’m back being my boobless self again, except for the hormones. We check my hormone levels monthly now, to see what the hell is going on. But for now, every day is the constant fear, what if…… what to do then? …….

But….. coming back to ‘we’re getting a baby!!!’ …..

We have decided to try and get a puppy from Kuzco and his Cocker Spaniel girlfriend who lives around the corner. She’s not the one Kuzco strained his neck over, but he will, this upcoming week. So we fur mommies, have set a date. Next Thursday Kuzco and I will go to her house, and hopefully they like each other more than only play-friends. It is a nice way to focus on something Ramon and I wanted for quite some time now. I can’t bear the thought of losing Kuzco one day, but he is getting older. So how wonderful would it be, if there still is something left of him, once he’s gone.

And that great opportunity has arrived, with the sweetest and cutest Cocker Spaniel lady that lives just around the corner. And I am so exited!!

There are still no answers to my fear. Next Monday I meet the doctor again to discuss my latest blood results of my hormone levels. I really dread the consult, I am scared of what comes next. So to focus on actually getting a baby from my ‘baby’, makes all the fear and sadness go to the back of my head.

For a while at least.