I have started to read one of my favourite children’s books Alice in Wonderland again. It’s as good a time as ever, as I feel like days are passing by while wondering like Alice through Wonderland. Everything seems so normal, yet so very very strange. And whilst reading the book, so many quotes are making little sparks in my head.
Ever since Ramon is at home, coping day by day with his burn out, it feels like a happy holiday having him around all day. But in between the happy, there air is heavy of sadness. He is fighting so hard to keep his head up high, that I want to try my very best to make his surroundings as happy, light, comforting and safe as I possibly can. Funny enough a quote from Alice in Wonderland is;
“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”
And it is just exactly like that. It takes such an effort for either of us to get through a day, physically and mentally, but it takes a humongous amount of effort to achieve even the smallest accomplishment, and be proud of it. Because when something fails, it can feel like forever.
“Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.”
Take note! Is what my mind was saying to me now.
So as always, we take each day at a time. And each day a little Queen of Hearts is trying to pull us into her own little world, where we know we don’t want to be. We both have to fight the Queen our own way, and I am so very grateful to have such a wonderful psychologist.
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where –”
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
She suggested an assignment called Picture your life. Seeing one of my problems, is being not able to get myself to do the things I like, for other things are more important to me, at the moment. I still have such a hard time adjusting to my still decreasing amount of energy, that I get angry at myself for only having enough energy for far too little a day.
“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
With this assignment, I have to start using the tools I like, to work on myself, and at the same time carrying out the things what I consider more pressing.
And it’s working. I’m feeling a little less frustrated, focus a lot less on the suffocating guilt I’m feeling, and less inadequate in helping Ramon.
So every day I am searching for the one thing that makes me happy, and make a picture of it. I used to do something similar, by writing down at the end of the day, three things I was grateful of during the day. But this is so much more fun.
Even Ramon is helping me, bringing wonderful ideas to do together, for I can make my Happy-pictures. Ramon took me to the Comic Con yesterday, where there were many Happy-pictures to take.
I was extremely tired, but we both had such a wonderful day.
Moments like these push all the crap aside for a while.
There are many rough moments during each day, but there are so many other moments that are so very joyful and happy for me. So I feel I’m on the right track again.