When I saw this piece of art, it was like someone had draw the exact image of how I feel right now.
Nothing seems to work with me, only against me. The everlasting pain is growing worse and worse every day. Catheterization had to be turned up a nudge instead of less, my kidneys are not doing so well, I am exhausted to the teeth, so my head hurts more, and the role as caregiver that was thrown into our lap, is taking its toll on our emotion.
Talks with the doctors I already visit, to discuss strange new pains, result in being send from pillar to post. Being back at starting point; my physician, with a cry for help, only to be send home with the same answer, ‘sorry, can’t help you.’ I was so glad Ramon was with me, and I was surprised he was the one that stood up angry from his chair, and walked out the door without shaking the physician’s hand.
I want to throw in the towel. I get the feeling it is all in my head. Why want to pursue, keep pushing to find answers, when nobody want to think outside his box, or take the effort to give it a little more thought. So I put my anger over my sadness and despair. And I am almost punishing myself in doing all sorts of things I am supposed to, but just don’t have the energy for anymore. But I have to! It’s nothing right???!! The pain I feel isn’t real??? Then I shall Goddammit!!!
And then you faint, when doing more than clearly possible….
So last week I asked for help. I called my mom, neighbors, friends. I was scared to do so at first, maybe they all will think I am the crybaby I blame myself to be. But when I did, the response was simply amazing. I was overwhelmed by the love and care I received. I really needed the help at that moment, and it was given without hesitation. Strangely people were even glad I finally asked.
But today was sort of a good day. I could surprise my niece on her birthday. Everything was done. No doctor appointments, or other engagements… just a day of my choosing. So my energy for today could be spend on her. She turned five today, a very important age, because at five, you are no toddler anymore, you are a Big Girl. Sunday will be her big birthday party celebrated together with my nephew’s birthday, because my sister is almost ready to give birth to her third. But today is a special day, today is Angel her real birthday. So I wanted to drop by with Kuzco and Malha wearing birthday hats, and singing Happy Birthday as we walked in. But Kuzco and Malha weren’t in the mood to wear hats, so we just entered loudly, singing our song.
That was it.
That was everything I could do today. I hate it. But I loved seeing the surprised faces, all covered in smiles. And I loved the moment just sitting together with my mom and my sister, who looked so beautiful with her perfectly round belly. That made it all worth the while.