Throughout the weekend, I was thinking what I was about to write, and I just couldn’t think of something happy. I know I’m writing this whole journal for myself, but I want the positive to control the negative.

And this weekend, there were just too many things piling up on the negative side.

I called the pharmacy last Friday, if I could come pick up my meds, and without any apology following, they told me they wouldn’t come in for another few weeks. They ordered them from Portugal because they were cheaper there, and they didn’t mentioned from Portugal, that they weren’t in stock due to economic reasons.


After last week at the LUMC, I was numb, but now the anger and anxiety took a hold of me.

After making clear this wasn’t up for debate, and whatever best they said were doing, it is only their best to me, if they get me my meds. After many squirming and avoiding the subject, they told me they arranged something for 15 days, and by then the order from Portugal would arrive. So this Tuesday or Wednesday, I would be able to come pick up the meds for 15 days. But I kept being sceptic. This isn’t the first time. So all weekend I was nervous what to say or do when I would call them on Tuesday, and they would tell me they (supposedly) did the best they could, but are very sorry to inform the meds aren’t in for at least the next few weeks.

Ramon wasn’t his usual self as well this weekend. And that made it all the more difficult than it already is, and that tomorrow I will have to visit my gastro-enterologist to get the results back from the blood- and faeces- tests, makes me all a little anxious.

I am just managing to get through these days. But holding on to the bright side, is harder than I thought, especially now I am the only one in the house. Ramon seems to be stuck in feeling sad and angry, and is very cynical. And it would be so easy for me to give in to that same feeling. Because I feel it too, especially now everything seems to pile up, one blow after the other.

So I will face the visit to my gastro-enterologist tomorrow with my head up high. Nothing is set in stone. Ramon just called to tell me, we can pick up the 15 days of meds this afternoon, after he had called the pharmacy for me.

That is one positive thing to add, so maybe the tides will change…

I’m just holding on to the wonderful, peaceful moment we had this weekend. When I woke up on Sunday morning, we were four on a row. Kuzco snuggled between us with his best friend, and was even fast asleep when I got my camera to make a picture of my best friends, and loves of my life. But most importantly, I made this serene picture, to convince myself that even in these dark times, there are still tiny moments of joy. And I know, that as long as I still recognize them, the positive side isn’t all lost.


nap time