I have set goals for this week. I was so angry with myself these last few weeks for not doing anything what I set out to do. I felt like such a big failure.
I know I have to be more kind to myself, but when I want things done within a timetable, I want to at least do 50 percent of it. And I have done nothing. Only enjoyed the time together with Ramon and seeing the puppies, done family stuff and hospital stuff, and recharged myself to do it all over again.
But from this week on, everything has to change.
I was on the right track on Monday, doing everything I planned to do. Even though it took me until late that evening to complete. I started making plans for Tuesday, when Marja texted me that night, that three puppies really stayed behind in growth. And she was getting concerned. She has never strike me as a panic-monger ever, so I got a little nervous when she asked me to come the next morning and help feed the puppies by hand. Off course I dropped everything I was doing, and forgot my to-do list at once. All I wanted to do, was to help out where ever I could.
One of the three puppies that weren’t growing as much as they should be, was our little puppy Malha. When I arrived, Marja gave her to me. ‘You go feed your baby first, then when she’s done, you take the next one.’
I hoped she didn’t feel my worry, but apparently my face couldn’t hide it. I was so happy Malha eagerly dipped her whole face into the warm milk we had poured in little bowls you use for chips and dip. She made tiny little smack noises, and drank all the milk it contained. I even felt her wet snout and tiny little tongue suck the milk she spoiled over my hand. I was thankful she was hungry and ate.
Thursday I had all the puppies for myself. Marja had to go to work, so I could feed them all alone. I loved it. Maya lost her interest in feeding the puppies that night before, so I was under the impression I would certainly be busy for some time with the puppies. But when I was starting to feed the third puppy, Maya looked at what I was doing. It was as if she looked at me with those motherly eyes saying; ‘Dear oh dear, this is not going really fast, is it? …. Sigh….. Just open the fence, I will help you….’
So together with Maya I fed the puppies. I helped the smaller ones to a nipple and stay put for a while. And let the bigger ones wait their turn. When they all were done, Maya stepped out of the nest, to tend for herself. I just sat there, my eyes glued to the puppies.
When I noticed the smallest one was shivering again, it just reminded me that she was just like her daddy. Kuzco has always been a chilly dog himself. So I took her on to my lap with a warm pillow filled with rice, and within moments she stopped shivering, and fell into a deep sleep. I think I just sat there for at least 45 minutes. Softly cradling, and gently brushed her neck with my fingertip. I could just sit there forever. I loved this quiet serene moment, with the other 8 puppies making little mumbles and twitches while they slept all tugged up together, and me just feeling all tension leaving my body, and almost falling asleep with the smallest and troublesome puppy from the nest.
Tomorrow they are three weeks old already. Time really flies when you’re having fun. We’ll probably have another photo-shoot. We want to give the new owners some nice memorabilia when the puppies are ready to leave the nest. So we are making weekly photo’s to show their progress.
We use a little suitcase Ramon and I got for Christmas from my parents. It is going to be Malha’s first doggy bed, whilst she still is so tiny. It still needed a pillow in it, so I went through all my fabrics I have stored at the attic, and found a perfect fabric-sample that matched the colour of the suitcase. I added a detail that would perfectly fit with the world map the suitcase was decorated with, of a Cocker Spaniel flying an air plane. So now it is totally puppy-proof. Cute, sweet, pretty and cuddly.
Can’t wait to see them again, and make the most adorable pictures again.
And all my other stuff I so eagerly wanted to have done this week, just faded to the background. Just as my psychologist remembered me again today; ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. When you have been able to achieve just one thing from your to-do list, it is always better then not having it done at all.’