Finally a little bit of good news…. or is it truly?
I just got blood results back from my kidneys, and it turns out it has stabilised for now. My first reaction was being overjoyed. I was so worried the kidney value would drop regardless of the little pause of medication intake, but luckily it didn’t. Because that would have meant my medication would have nothing to do with my failing kidneys. But now apparently it does….
Wait… what is there to be happy about then?
It only hit me when we got home. That would mean, if this injection I got last week, turn out it’s not helping, I would be stuck with my old ones. So does that mean this pause was only a short one? And only granted if I endure 280 seizures a day?
The doctor couldn’t give me any insurance. On anything. Do we know for a fact my kidney failure is caused by my meds? Do we know for sure what is the cause of the stabilisation? What is my prognoses? How long do I have? Will it all be over in three months if it retakes its deteriorating speed? Or will there be more stabilising moments, and if so, is it depended on something. Do we live on like nothing has ever happened, or should we keep in mind that everything we do could be the last ever?
So yes, it is good news for now, but there are so many unanswered questions. And then there is that little detail of the injection that still isn’t working. Which raises its questions on its own.
I started nervous this morning, to feel a flare of extreme happiness, to end up feeling numb and a lump in my throat, feeling the urge to say sorry over and over again, to Ramon for putting him through this nagging, frustrating uncertainty.
Ramon isn’t saying anything.
He went to his desk to try start his working day, after staring at the ceiling for a while when we got home.
I don’t say anything.
Not because I don’t have anything to say, but I don’t know what to say. And I don’t know what to think, or what to feel.
After Ramon went to his desk, I lay down on the ground, with my head in Malha her dog bed. I wanted to stare at the stars. The stars like we saw in Italy. When Ramon and I just sat next to each other, pitch black around us, sipping our wine, holding hands, and enjoyed the quietness together with the doggies at our feet. Where Ramon pointed out Malha’s constellation, and I got to experience my first falling star. I wanted to feel that exact moment of serene happiness.
I don’t think I reached the same feeling, because Kuzco and Malha felt the need to help me brighten up a bit. I even got Malha her favourite toys because that would certainly do the trick. Sweet little nuggets.
Just keeping my fingers crossed a little while longer. Up until the end of next week. Maybe the injection will do some magic.
Then I can erase about 70% of my questions regarding our near future holding my kidneys, my medication, eventually dialyses, and the quality of life. Let alone the fact having to proceed the fight for my rights to get my medication reimbursed from my health insurance company. That would no longer be of issue anymore then…..
Aaaah, life could be so simple……