Maybe if you have seen my early works under the Art tab, you would have guessed I had therapy, or are relieved to hear I did. And I am so grateful I did, even though at that time my seizures were still about 60 to a 100 a day, and being there 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, felt almost impossible to go through. Looking back, I amaze myself I pulled through, and even manage to learn so much.
I followed group sessions, one on one sessions, woman-counselling, cognitive therapy, EMDR therapy, had to participate in team sports, and like school, I always chosen last… wonder why this time. No one ever wanted me to be their trust buddy either, where they had to trust you, you would catch them, if they let their self fall backward. Strange, right?
Followed some sort of “art” class, and one of my all-time favourite, music. Where you had to make a lot of noise with your instrument of choice. Picture yourself with the greatest hangover, or if you suffer any form of headache, in a room full of deeply emotional disturbed people, letting go their feelings all together at once by banging their instrument as loud as they feel to. How would you feel?
Well, let me tell you that I always chose the smallest cowbells around, and during the music session I ended up picturing all my fellow disturbed people staked to the ceiling with parts of their instrument through their stomach. Yes, I had some anger issues.
After a year Ramon managed to convince the doctors there, music and running and jumping sports is a no go for someone suffering 24/7 intense headache with multiple seizures. The therapists of the mental institution were convinced my seizures were a result of not coping well with my emotions, so they never took them serious enough as they were. It was a cry for attention that should be ignored, and they thought it was even a good therapy for every other “nutcase” walking around there, to either help or ignore while I lay on the ground during a seizure when we had to walk on the compound from one building to the other.
Even though I didn’t always understand their work method, in the end, it all thought me a lot. It helped me to stand up for myself, set boundaries, recognize my strange quirky behaviour as a means to survive, and managed to do something about it. Learned to be me.
The only thing with working on your mind-set and all the other stuff that comes along with it, is that you are never done, never finished. And that’s something I can be discouraged about sometimes.
Just when you think you get it, something happens where you just reach for that old, and once so comfy coat. The only difference is, now I see, feel and hear my old ways of handling situations, so I sit, read back my cognitive therapy papers, and once again teach myself how to do better next time. That old coat has lost its comfy fit anyway, so even if I wanted to stay in my old coat, I could never. I’ve learned too much to know how much fun it is being me. The new me, even though it takes endless time of learning.