The last couple of days were truly gruesome. It hurt so much, constantly, that it was hard to stay bright and happy. Ramon literally felt sick of worry. And like he said this morning, while I snuggled deep into his neck because I desperately needed a good luck hug; ‘This is what I fear. The slap in my face when I see you struggle with so much pain this weekend, that this is reality. Things will only get worse. And I so much want to hide myself from that reality. Like I can convince myself it’s not there, and it’s not gonna happen. But it is….and this is the cold hard truth. I so much want to come with you, and I hate it because I can’t.’
I snuggled him even tighter, because I really was a little bitch to him this weekend for saying mean things to him. Angry that he couldn’t join me to the hospital, even though I know he would move heaven and earth for me, to support me. And deep down, I knew I could do this on my own….. but still….
We both cried.
We both took a deep breath.
‘Good luck darling. You can do this. Call me when you’re done. Don’t panic if I don’t answer immediately, I will call you back as soon as I can. I love you.’
As soon as I can….I love you…..As soon as I can…..I love you…..
Like a mantra it played in my mind when I rode to the hospital, trying to push my lady workshop up in my mobility scooter with each possible threat of even the slightest pebble that would make the pain more even more agonizing.
I was so nervous. Would this be my prospect for now. I got a supply send for four weeks, baring the same catheterization tools I’m stuck with now. So many questions…. So many worries….
Would this mean the end of our sex life? Would this forever hurt so much? Is there something else I can try? Why do I even have this? What’s the cause of it? Is it my kidneys or only my bladder, or both, or something else?
I cried when I sat with my bare lady workshop on the table in the treatment room. I am so thankful for the kind and knowledgeable nurse that guide me through. I was being taught how to install a catheter myself. But it was not the same horrific thing she just removed. It’s a small simple thing, and only for one time use only. So I only have to repeat this a couple times a day, and in between, my lady workshop is being left alone.
I felt rather stupid not knowing where my urethra actually was stationed. But the nurse was so sweet, I didn’t feel like crying all along the way, while I was sitting on the table, watching my lady workshop helping to open for business, and see the actual entrance being a complete surprise to me. Apparently I always thought it was at the front, but it’s just an entrance somewhere down the middle…..
I felt so ashamed not knowing for all these years……
We did the catheterization together, and now I’ve done it by myself, I feel confident I can do this at home.
I couldn’t ask all of my questions, since this lovely nurse was only here to help me guide through this ‘at-home-catheterization’. So I will have to wait till Thursday when I speak to my Urologist.
And Wednesday I speak with my gastrointestinal doctor to talk about my forever lasting diarrhea. Maybe it has to do with one another……
For now I’m just happy I can move like a normal person. So, after I have finished my next catheter, I will walk Kuzco an Malha.
They have suffered enough of my silliness. Now it’s time to play and have fun together.