We were like two teenagers snuggling on the couch, tucked under a blanket, listening to music, staring into the nothingness only to be disrupted by an occasional kiss or two.

 

This was so nice.

 

This was the end of a horrible day. No better way to end it like so. Something even so gloriously wonderful, I’m going to keep in my heart to remind me life can be so good.

 

 

I had to go to the LUMC for a follow-up of the last two months, and to discuss how to proceed. Apparently I still had some kind of hope there would be something else to try, because I was a little nervous when we stepped into the car to our appointment. I even told Ramon the night before, that if something else is there to try, with again zero to nothing percent chance of any change, but only to nurture the hope, that already spreads so thin…. It is worth it for me. I will go through it, just for him. He only would have to give me a sign if such a proposal might come on the table. I just want to see him smile, and be his strong self again.

 

But there was nothing. Only the, ‘I’m sorry’. Not even a word spoken about other medications, just that nothing is left, this is it. And nothing is coming as well. So all we talked about was how I would like to be supported in the time to come. And that they sympathise and hope the kidneys will hold on for a long long  time.

 

Handshake…. And something of a smile to thank politely….

 

Nope…. No smile on Ramon his face.

 

But then again, neither on mine anymore.

 

In silence we drove to an animal store in Den Haag. We needed to find something of a solution to keep Kuzco and Malha separate when they are left at home when we are not there. It’s only for the time being, just until Kuzco starts to feel better, and the chemical castration has finally settled down. Twice now, he reacted more aggressive to Malha than needed to, and we had to pick them apart. So just to keep our hearts at ease for when we are not there to intervene, we had to find something to keep them from a potential fight.

 

It ended up to be a nice distraction from the thoughts and feelings that were so very present. It turned out to be a Zoo and store in one. They even had a doggy-bar!!!

 

 

 

….And real life flamingos!!!

 

 

We found something that would hopefully do the trick, so Paris would still be a nice time to spend this weekend. There will be an x-ray of his spine the 17th of January, instead of tomorrow. He has to go under for the procedure. And he always gets very sick of the antistatic afterwards. Everything has really conjured up to make it as difficult as possible to still to go to Paris. Our Paris budget has extremely run dry due to the vet, Kuzco still is ill, all Ramon his efforts to make this a magical last time in Paris to celebrate our anniversary, has been counteracted by the most unbelievable events possible. Which made him lost his spark for Paris along the way.

 

We still are going, and even though I as well have a hard time finding joy and anticipation today, there is still a spark in me for Paris.

 

So Paris, here we come!

 

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