I’m feeling very pitiful today, so this probably will be a very whiny post. But I have to get it out of my system.
I have been crying my eyes out ever since last evening, when I asked Ramon what was going through his mind. And all I want to do this morning, is to throw myself on the ground, crying, kicking and screaming like a spoiled toddler; “ It’s so unfair!!!! It’s all so unfair!!!!!!”
Ramon told me yesterday he doesn’t know how to deal with all this anymore. He feels empty, extremely stressed, and nothing positive in life to hang on to. Why should he even want to try anymore, when all we face, is one blow after the other. No matter what, when, or how. And when I asked him to be specific, nothing came to mind to counter his negative thoughts. Because they were all actual things, and none of them would change for the better, only worse. Our uncertain time left with a body acting like a ticking time bomb, the pressure of taking care for his very depressed Alzheimer mother, his own body letting him down by only gaining weight, instead of losing weight no matter how hard he tries. Bills piling up, and feeling like a professional juggler trying to get food on the table till the end of every month. All because a few fucking assholes at the Health Insurance company, whom have decided that even though all the proof provided that they are wrong not to reimburse my medicine anymore, suddenly after 13 years. And even got as they asked, a signature letter from my doctor from the LUMC confirming I really need this medication. They still claim they’re in their right not to provide me the medicine I need anymore. So we’ll have to pay for them ourselves.
We almost had to cancel, what undoubtedly will be our last anniversary trip to Paris, which he carefully planned to the greatest detail, to relive all our happy moments. But because of its very heavy emotional load, he couldn’t let go. He eventually altered all the reservations, in able to proceed anyhow… tripled the costs. Every moment we have, needs to be happy and joyful, making them count for some beautiful memories to keep, but somehow even the smallest moment has to be earned with all its might. Absolutely nothing comes easy. So why even bother anymore… why even bother life anymore…
Thus these words left me crying… sobbing…. whimpering … bawling.
How could he say these words? He is my life, my everything, the one who teaches me to never give up, and now is giving up himself. How could I not be the one for him, he has always been for me? The guilt is festering inside me. It weighs heavy on my shoulders. He told me over and over again not to feel responsible, but how could I not? All this shit is happening because of my illness, except for his mother of course, but even that would be a lot easier to deal with if I wouldn’t be ill.
I am dropping myself to the floor now.
It’s so unfair! It’s so fucking unfair!!!!