I know I haven’t been writing for a while. I am taking my psychologist’s advice at heart.
I’m being more kind to myself, and just take it as it comes, which means for now, my head is stuck on puppies. And I don’t mind anymore. This whole puppy experience will only last eight weeks, and then there will never be such a wonderful opportunity as this in our lives. So I intend to enjoy it to the fullest.
But I do want to try other things to do and complete. And when I stopped focusing at the anger of disappointment, I suddenly got more things done than I did before. I have cleaned the house, I’ve made long walks with Kuzco, I have been drawing, even designed and ordered a fabric with my work on it, to make a pillow of it for the new dog bed for Malha.
So I also wanted to start training again last Saturday morning with my dad. Everything went so well anyway. In my mind, I still was as fit and strong as I was when I trained about six months ago. Hell, last year I only trained as much as I can count the fingers on my two hands.
But, I still was convinced I could start where we left off, I was eager. Well……that turned out wrong….. I was exhausted doing only one exercise per muscle group. My body shook heavily, and the whole world was spinning around. After I finished the last exercise, I couldn’t focus my sight to one clear image anymore.
When we got home, I crashed on the chair staring out the window, feeling disappointment boiling up again. Just when I was so happy I was going to work out that morning…..
Ramon sat next to me, and without saying a word, we stared at the playing dogs outside, together. I leaned in towards him, with my head on his chest, and let out a deep sigh. My eyes focused on a little plastic Superman, with a string tied to the curtain rod.
‘You put way too much weight on trinkets.’ He said, while he noticed my change of view, and gave the plastic figurine a nudge.
‘Hé, stop that!!!’
That came out a little too harsh than I wanted to, but I was angry when he made my Superman dangle fiercefully.
‘He is like a Jesus on his cross to me, my good luck charm for desperation, which is my basic feeling kept dormant deep inside of me nowadays. But instead of Jesus giving you a feeling of guilt because he hang for you to do better, Superman gives me hope to do better and not give up. That’s why his little arm is facing upwards. So stop making him swing so hard, it will make him tumble!’
While I made my argue, I sat up straight and gave Ramon my angry look. But it didn’t hold long, because he started to laugh, and said with his arms holding up with a dramatic gesture;
‘Holy San Superman!’
I laughed as well. Not the same reason Ramon laughed, because he still thinks it’s silly, I need a talisman to give me strength and hope. I laughed, because it’s kind of a cool name. It’s funny, but makes the importance of that little trinket very clear.
So every time I wither away in my hopeless opus of despair, I look at my ‘Jesus’, and whisper to myself;
‘I can do this, San Superman.’