I thought I could do it. I thought I was well taught after all those years of therapy. I have the knowledge, I am supposed to have the skill, but somehow I have lost it, lost myself.
I’m a mess.
During the absent weeks of writing, I fell into a deep, dark, but well-known place. And it was there before I even knew it. All the old unwanted habits returned bit by bit. They seeped through tiny cracks in my chipper positive self, that appeared during this year after one blow after the other. It’s not quite over yet, but it already feels like the Year of Hell, and I’m like captain Janeway, trying to keep my ship and crew intact. I fear the upcoming months ahead, to finish me off.
I recognize my old ways, they felt normal, but not in any way comfortable anymore. My OCD was trying it’s best to return, and thus reviving my perfectionism. It made me angry and sad, nothing I did was good enough for me. I had to do something about this, because I wasn’t helping anybody with this behavior, first and foremost myself.
I reached out for help. That was the most important thing I could do for myself. I talked to my psychiatrist, and I got in touch with somebody whom immediately invited me to join a seminar for 5 weeks, to be surrounded by people in similar circumstance. I joined Ramon to his seminars for heart patients. And through all that, had the best talks with Ramon, to put it all together. I got new insides, a fresh look on things, and a reminder how I used to use my learned skills in the most adequate way, and try to do that again.
It’s hard work, but on the other hand surprisingly easy. I’m still a mess, but I am dealing with it. One of the suggestions my psychiatrist made, was to finish the painting, and start drawing again to finish my story of Benjamin and Kuzco. Focus on the things that make me happy. Try to go to the gym again on Saturday mornings. But most importantly, start writing again, to keep my head and emotions straight.
She told me that two weeks ago. I have finished my painting, and am actually proud of the result. I didn’t have to keep telling myself that it was done, it was done. But just until today, I could make myself sit down and write. For days on end I thought about what to write. Not that there wasn’t anything to write about, there is so much going on. But I was too much a mess, for putting thoughts into words. But today was a good day to start.
So… I’m not quite a mess as I felt a couple of weeks ago. Still in the back of my mind though, I keep fearing the upcoming months. There is still me and my odd, still not explainable pain in my abdomen, and other strange ailments that go along. Halfway through October, I will have an endoscopy again and some other tests, and I hope they will provide some answers to make me feel a little better. Because, when physical pain isn’t dominating, I am better in handling the rest.
For now, I am going to enjoy a beautiful autumns day with Ramon. The sun is shining, the bright colored leaves are whirling in the air, and everything smells so nice. I am glad I was finally able to write this morning. It makes me feel good about myself, and it feels like I’m on the right track again.