Still one and a half weeks away from seeing the gastro doctor. After then, it will be 13 weeks of 24/7 of diarrhea, and at least 26 pounds lighter. Which is probably caused by the Crohn again…
Didn’t feel much like writing, worse still, I don’t have the energy to do almost anything, really. I feel like a baby….
I poop, eat, poop, sleep, poop….and poop some more.
I am shaky, I have a strong smell of ammoniac inside my nose all day, feel like passing out every time I move, and the exhaustion is overwhelming. Never mind the amount of headache and seizures. But still life goes on, even when I sometimes wish I could just give in.
Housekeeping, laundry, walking the doggies (especially when they’re naughty as hell for jumping in the muddiest pool), grocery shopping, and therapy visits, are expected to maintain. Which makes me angry from time to time, even though I probably would be just as angry at myself if I did give in.
So, I decided to write down the things I have done these last few weeks, to remind myself I have accomplished plenty of things even though it feels like I’m doing nothing. Or have changed my mindset when things didn’t work out the way I wanted to.
Just like the time I would go to the gym. Sure, it doesn’t resemblance anything of the level I had procured a year ago, but I at least I was trying. Now, these days, I am glad if I can make it all the way upstairs when coming home. So on this particular Sunday morning, when we should have gone to the gym, I made breakfast to eat on our little balcony, sitting on our petit French bistro set. Croissants, coffee, tea, and an egg or two, we sat there the entire morning enjoying the beautiful weather and each other. I turned the almost smothering negative feelings into something joyful.
We still went to doggy school on every Tuesday evening, for Kuzco’s flyball. Past Tuesday, Kuzco had his exams in flyball. Because it was the last day of school, I wanted to bring some cookies for Kuzco’s fellow classmates, to wish them a great summer holiday, and thank them for the happy times. I wanted to play it smart. So I divided it in two days. Day one, I did the groceries, and day two was baking day and wrapping them up in a lovely gift box, early in the morning.
Sleep the rest of the day, to safe energy to perform a super-duper teamwork for a nice grade on his certificate. We did great!! The first round he set a time of 9 seconds 46…. superb time for an elderly, poorly eye sighted dog. Second round he forgot to jump the hurdle, so I jumped instead, to hopefully make him remind and follow my actions. But he was so surprised and entertained by my doing, he (blind as he is when the sun is in his eyes) walked right into the hurdle, knocking it over and trampled over the second one.
We even scored points for entertainment….
And he passed!!!
Then, after Benjamin’s passing, I completely set my mind on redecorating the cathouse for Jools. So in between the sleeping and pooping, I worked like a maniac to make it the perfect girly cat- (doll) house I had in mind.
I especially wanted to have a piece of art hanging in her house of the three musketeers together. And I succeeded…
And the moments where I really had no energy left in my body, I still managed to satisfy Kuzco and Malha. I would otherwise have gone to the beach for them to swim, run and play to cool off a bit, with this crazy heat we are having at the moment, I now set up a drip tray on our balcony. Just when there is enough shade in the hot sun during the end of the day, and I fill it with two buckets of water, and together with a shell game with a tennis ball, they are having a blast!
And so am I…
Especially when they enjoyed my home made chicken broth lollypops, which were no efford at all.
It’s just when you look at the greater picture, everything seems to be losing, and being at it’s worst. But when I filter it down, just like now, it still isn’t something I’m thankful for, but I certainly feel thankful for still enjoying life, at again a lesser pace then I would want it to be, but it’s okay.
I really hope that it is just short term for now, and will be able to increase the energy levels, when the pooping comes at a normal rate.