For weeks I have pretending not to be thinking about the day I would get my kidney values tested again. But the last two weeks, the harder I was trying to ignore it, the more nervous I became. Even worse, I literally felt sicker each day coming closer to ‘judgement day’. Off course we tried to stay focused on positive things, Ramon even installed a hammock to really get in a chill mood, but when even the slightest thing was off balance, emotions spiked.
So when the day arrived, which we dreaded as much as we anticipated, the news brought tears of joy. At least… for everyone else but me. The kidney values have stayed the same since January!! So they haven’t gotten worse, and all the scary things we didn’t want to think about was coming when they would have gotten worse, we are being saved from for the time being. So why don’t I feel the exuberating joy I was supposed to feel.
I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t share the happiness others expressed when I told them the news. Off course I was super relieved, but I wasn’t happy. And then I felt the guilt of not being happy. Because it couldn’t be more ungrateful than this, right? I was so overrun by this strange feeling, I couldn’t even write down and telling everybody of the good news.
I was so glad I could have a talk with my psychologist. Was this a normal reaction, and what could I do about it? It felt as such a relieve to say out loud I still wasn’t exuberantly happy, because I didn’t told anybody of this.
After I left, she gave me enough to think about. And the following days, it became clear to me that I ám happy, but in a survival kind of way. It is okay for now, and I will set the clock for four months, and will do so every following four months. With almost half of the one kidney left, I can still enjoy life except with a very small amount of energy. But everything better than having none. Yes, every day there is a chance my kidneys will fail, but if I just stop thinking about that, and just enjoy these four months, they can’t take that away anymore. And we will see and worry again in four months’ time.
So to focus on the good life, we went camping for the weekend together with Kuzco and Malha, and took them for a ride in the sidecar for the very first time.
We wanted to see how they would react to the sidecar, and sleeping in a tent, so we could then make plans for our holiday.
Something we could finally look forward to, now my values are stable.
It was truly a wonderful weekend. Very intense, and very idyllic, and very George and Mildred looking. Hahahaha.
Warm weather, sitting next to the sidecar and our tent,
having good conversation with soft jazz music coming from Ramon’s phone,
drinking wine and enjoying a good pizza,
cuddling with the doggies until the sun went down.
It couldn’t be more wonderful than this. And crazy enough, this was just what I needed to finally get in touch with my emotions again. So on to the next ride Ramon! Let’s go-oooooo!!!