Work in Progress

Maandelijks archief van mei, 2018


Even though we feel like super crappy fur-parents for putting her trough this pain, we have convinced ourselves it’s all for the better to have Malha sterilized.


So with a heavy heart, hoping and praying she will not turn into our biggest fear; change into a fat, untamable curl-bomb (because the hair of Cocker Spaniels will chance after they have been sterilized), no longer the sweet innocent happy little pup, no longer placing daddy’s cuddles above all and everything, and that she won’t forgive us.


Thank God we both have therapy….


So there she was, heavily sedated, but adrenaline rushing through her little body keeping her on her toes. She just wouldn’t go to sleep. As soon as we gave the impression we’d leave, she opened her eyes, stood on her wobbly little legs and tried to walk out the door with us. And the one who certainly wasn’t on her nice list anymore, was the vet himself. She wanted to keep an eye on his every move.


This wasn’t helping us feeling good about the decision we made at all. But we left…. Accompanied by a huge lump in the throat.



When we got the call to pick her up, they waited to wake her until we arrived. They felt it would be better for Malha, waking up with us by her side. So she would be less stressed out if she could smell us, and feel our strokes and hear our voices comforting her. And it did.



Kuzco gave her a warm welcome, and then let her be. She wobbled to her bed, and stayed there half asleep for the rest of the day. She was totally out of it, even her proud little palmtree ponytail was to exhausted to stay up. Because she softly moaned and cried every now and then, we changed frequently in comforting her, which comforted ourselves just the same.



This morning we went to see the vet just to be safe, because she lost a little blood, and was still moaning of pain, crying a lot, shivering, and her temperature was below normal. Thank God all was physically well, so now she has to stay calm for at least 7 days. No running, no swimming, no crazy fun activities, and only leashed walkies. This will be somewhat of a challenge…



I’ve stored the ball pit far away. It has become something a habit for Malha and Kuzco to have a little crazy-fun-time with Ramon, after dinner.




And ever since we bought the ball pit, there is no stopping Malha.



Better think of some low level, but still crazy fun games to play. Because she will need to, especially when she is not allowed to even stretch her legs, waking up the birdies, and disturbing their breakfast worms, on her morning walk.



It’s only seven days-it’s only seven days….


For weeks I have pretending not to be thinking about the day I would get my kidney values tested again. But the last two weeks, the harder I was trying to ignore it, the more nervous I became. Even worse, I literally felt sicker each day coming closer to ‘judgement day’. Off course we tried to stay focused on positive things, Ramon even installed a hammock to really get in a chill mood, but when even the slightest thing was off balance, emotions spiked.



So when the day arrived, which we dreaded as much as we anticipated, the news brought tears of joy. At least… for everyone else but me. The kidney values have stayed the same since January!! So they haven’t gotten worse, and all the scary things we didn’t want to think about was coming when they would have gotten worse, we are being saved from for the time being. So why don’t I feel the exuberating joy I was supposed to feel.


I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t share the happiness others expressed when I told them the news. Off course I was super relieved, but I wasn’t happy. And then I felt the guilt of not being happy. Because it couldn’t be more ungrateful than this, right? I was so overrun by this strange feeling, I couldn’t even write down and telling everybody of the good news.


I was so glad I could have a talk with my psychologist. Was this a normal reaction, and what could I do about it? It felt as such a relieve to say out loud I still wasn’t exuberantly happy, because I didn’t told anybody of this.


After I left, she gave me enough to think about. And the following days, it became clear to me that I ám happy, but in a survival kind of way. It is okay for now, and I will set the clock for four months, and will do so every  following four months. With almost half of the one kidney left, I can still enjoy life except with a very small amount of energy. But everything better than having none. Yes, every day there is a chance my kidneys will fail, but if I just stop thinking about that, and just enjoy these four months, they can’t take that away anymore. And we will see and worry again in four months’ time.


So to focus on the good life, we went camping for the weekend together with Kuzco and Malha, and took them for a ride in the sidecar for the very first time.



We wanted to see how they would react to the sidecar, and sleeping in a tent, so we could then make plans for our holiday.



Something we could finally look forward to, now my values are stable.



It was truly a wonderful weekend. Very intense, and very idyllic, and very George and Mildred looking. Hahahaha.



Warm weather, sitting next to the sidecar and our tent,



having good conversation with soft jazz music coming from Ramon’s phone,



drinking wine and enjoying a good pizza,



cuddling with the doggies until the sun went down.



It couldn’t be more wonderful than this. And crazy enough, this was just what I needed to finally get in touch with my emotions again. So on to the next ride Ramon! Let’s go-oooooo!!!




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Joyce Kleine – Work in Progress