Monday the 26th of February was Kuzco his eleventh birthday. We not quite celebrated it like we’ve initially planned to. We had the biggest plans. Make it something like his first birthday, invite a bunch of his human- and dog-friends at the park, and eat home baked cake, cookies, and sweets in abundance, open lots of pressies, to then play and have fun running around in the park. And it would be extra special party with Malha just turned 1, and Kuzco now turned 11.
But nothing of a sort happened. Hell… these days, every day is just not going like it should be.
Ramon fell into a very deep dark hole of depression about three weeks ago. He kept himself strong for so many years, and with everything that has happened of lately, it was just too much. And while I was happily burying my head in the sand, to not think about my failing kidneys for a while and the horrible past months; the shock of Ramon having lost his joy for life, and even wished himself never woken up from his heart attack, made me shut down all of my feelings. I can’t use them right now. But I’ve noticed in the last week, not wanting to feel, isn’t working much. It makes me run on auto-pilot, zombie-mode, and can’t make myself doing the things I love anymore. Because all of that is based on emotion. So I haven’t written for weeks, I haven’t drawn, I haven’t painted, I haven’t tried to continue physical therapy at home, I haven’t baked or felt inspired to cook anything special, even birthday cookies and cake.
But the last few weeks, I did feel the need to see the people I love. And I have been graced by their time they took for us. One of them being a nephew and niece of Ramon. We had such a lovely time together. Kuzco and Malha couldn’t get enough of playing with their two children.
A few days later, after we had our date, I received a very special gift from them. It was a Wonder Woman T-shirt included with cape and headband. “Because we think you are a wonder woman!” I loved it so much, the T-shirt as well as the wonderful compliment, I didn’t want to take it off. But the last few days, I háve taken it off. I am not worthy of wearing it at the moment. I absolutely do not feel like a Superhero. How could I, if I have failed so badly?
Off course Ramon noticed the absence of my T-shirt, and he convinced me I was not helping him by shutting down completely. We can only be a strong team like we’ve always been, if I keep on being my open self. I still do not feel like I supposed to, but I am making progress by starting to write this. Small steps, but steps none the less.
And we did celebrate Kuzco his birthday, only on a less smaller scale than intended. But it was good. Even more so, it was wonderful to see Kuzco so happy. My parents came to celebrate, and even though it wasn’t a home baked birthday cake, we had cake.
And we had presents….
More than enough to make Kuzco and Malha totally fulfilled in tearing up all the paper.
And while Malha was full on energy party mode,
it was more than a wild enough birthday party for grand ol’ Kuzco.
He was exhausted after eating the cake, and opening the presents. As a finishing touch, we had a walk together with his great love Maya, their lovechild Malha, and girlfriend Dushi and her fur-mommy Marja.
For Kuzco, it was a perfect day. His face was full of smiles all day.
And after his birthday, I promised myself I will speak to my psychologist, and try to pick up the things I love to do, and start feeling again. At least enough to not drown myself in the guilt I’m feeling now.
I’ve mailed my psychologist, and I have written this piece. It’s a start.