Visited an old friend today. Had a great time catching up. Life is funny. We were drawn to each other during high school, lost each other when our life went separate ways, and after 20 years we sit on her couch talking and laughing about all kind of similarities of our lives. It was a good day.
Maandelijks archief van januari, 2016
Quote of today;
Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine.
I don’t know why, but it still can surprise me. The lack of interest of some people in people and their jobs. The medicine I use to suppress my seizures, isn’t available anymore in the Netherlands. We had to make a lot of fuzz to get them from another country, so thank heavens I still can use them. I had to get another refill, so called the pharmacist to order them from Austria. That was the 20th of December. And not one moment did they bother to call me, or make some effort to call Austria where the hell they are. So today I called to ask if they are here already, but no. I could see her shrugging her shoulders and her eyes rolling, when I told her I really need them soon, because I’m almost out. ‘It’s not our fault.’ Was her only reply. Will call again tomorrow, and be the nagging customer…
Every Monday I wait for a delivery. A very important one to me. Monday is the day that my pharmacy brings my weekly stock of liquid food. There was a time I couldn’t eat anything but liquid food. It is going rather well at the moment, but the solid food is still hard to process. Today was such a day that everything couldn’t stay inside, so I count my blessings I still have the opportunity to stay strong by drinking the liquid form. While waiting for the pharmacy to ring my doorbell, I did the wifey-jobs. Ironed all Ramon’s shirts, did a little housekeeping, just enough to fool myself the house is squeaky clean, and sat down to draw a little. So now the fridge is stocked again with chemical tasting banana drinks, finished a drawing, and dinner food is in the oven. I’m happy.
It was a divine relaxed Sunday. We slept in, woke up with the sun toughing my cheek, and warmed my frosted nose. It was rather cold, and when I looked up the window, I saw the whole world was white of snow. Fed the cats, fish and Kuzco their breakfast, and turned up the stove. After eating my oatmeal, I woke up Ramon, and we took a morning walk with Kuzco through the fresh fallen snow. It was a morning that I loved everything and everyone so much, it made me smile the whole day through. After the long walk, we got home, I snuggled next to the stove, and got so tired. Yesterday was a good day in the gym, we started to use my notebook again to write down everything I did. I worked hard, and felt great doing so. But on Sundays, I have to pay the price. So my energy is low, and my head hurts more than usual. So is today, and with an added bonus, muscle pain. My entire body hurts, I love it! I went to bed after I warmed by the stove, and to my surprise, Ramon snuggled next to me a couple minutes later. And that set the tone for the rest of the day. Cuddling, relaxing, and making jokes. Ramon made some pictures of me while drawing, and that was it. A good way to start the week well rested.
Went to the barber shop today. And I gave my trust to someone else to do the job… Growing and learning, growing and learning.
For over 15 year my hair is done by one and the same. Never trusted anyone else to cut my hair. Ramon talked me in to join him to his hairdresser. I had what you might call a barberfobia, not one of all the ones before, sorry mom, who had cut my hair, did a nice job. And not one of them understood my agony. You just can’t cut curly hair the same way you would cut straight hair, but they all did it anyway, which resulted in a few baddest of bad haircuts ever! I always cried when I left. Until I met Ben. His scissors went like soft butter on a slice of freshly baked bread. He was done before I knew it, and I looked exactly like Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were. I loved him from that moment on, and no one, and I mean NO one, could put their scissors even near my hair. If Ben was sick, on holiday, or just a day off, I would wait for him to get back, even if it meant waiting for another 4 weeks.
But in real life Ben got older, up to a point that he was talking about retirement. I was in shock. O my God! I never thought that could happen, nor did I think he could die. He was Ben, my barber-man. Something like a superhero, something that is just always there when you need him.
So I had to pull myself together, and let someone else from the barbershop cut my hair. The honour was bestowed to his son, and to my surprise, and relieve, he did a great job. So, even though Ben is still in the shop cutting hair, I am more than fine with the fact that he won’t always be there to cut mine. I let go, and have tried someone new. But I don’t know if I’m ready yet to let more people cut my hair. So for now, it’s Ben or his son. Don’t know what I will do when both are on holiday.
Growing and learning….
Finally! After a month of waiting, I could pick up my necklace at the jeweler store. It needed some repairs for probably two years now, but brought it for repairs only a month back, because I desperately wanted to ware it again. I needed it.
It’s weird because every time I don’t feel well, whether it is physical or mental, I want it around my neck. And now that it’s been repaired, I feel happy. I thought about it, because why is it so important to me? And this afternoon, while walking through the park with Kuzco, I got it.
I wasn’t brought up religiously, my parents believed it was up to me what I wanted to believe in, instead of being indoctrinated what you should believe in. But it was always around, religion that is.
And when I became a teenager, I needed something to believe in. And I turned to the Jewish religion. I was very dedicated, as I always am when I set my mind to something. I even had talks with a rabbi, because I wanted to fully dedicate myself. My parents stood by me in every way, and even bought me this little golden star of David.
But somewhere across the line, the dedication faded, but never the hart. I still wanted to believe in something. But it is until now, that it’s finally is clear to me. What always sought after, was believing in myself. And that is the only religion that requires dedication, yourself.
But why do still hang on to my little golden star? Because it stands for survival. I want to be a survivor. I want to survive all the hard things life can throw at me, and all the steps I make difficult for myself because I believe I have to endure it to overcome it, and be better than I was before. So every time life gives me a little too much lemons, my little star of David is my talisman for survival. To remind me I am strong enough to face, and overcome any difficulty that crosses my path.