There has been a calm over IJmuiden these last few days. It was like the elements couldn’t penetrate the shield of fog. Little rays of sunshine could eventually touch the inner layer of the shield, but never pierce through. No wind, which made the water look so serene. Ships appeared and disappeared like they were passing through a maze of a time dilation field. It even felt like the everyday noises were muted.

And so did my mind. It was calm, my thoughts were muted, and I just felt happy. My body’s protests appeared and disappeared like the ships, so I could waltz over my lack of energy and pain, and enjoy precious moments.

I spend two days with my sister. Just the two of us. I was helping her with little things that needed a touch of paint in the house, and meanwhile we talked and laughed. It was exactly like the car rides we made in August. Intense, with some jokes in between. I may have hugged her a bit too tightly when we parted, but I wanted to squeeze her in my imaginary box of happiness.

I had finished a drawing of the second dog of Marja, so I went by to give her and her husband the drawings of Maya and Dushy. Something I really wanted to give, because I am so grateful for the opportunity they presented us, for having a puppy from Kuzco. And allowing us to experience the birth of our puppy so up close and personal.



This was also the week that our payday finally arrived. And that can sometimes feel like opening a present that you really, really wanted, and felt like waiting for it for an eternity. That’s exactly how it felt this week. And to make the euphoria complete, we bought a Christmas tree and take out dinner. Fuck it….



I loved the calm of these last few days. I loved sitting in the middle of the night, rocking myself to ease the pain that kept me from out of my sleep,  and staring at our beautiful, beautiful tree, with its lights look like stars in the night sky. Just letting the fog still covering my mind, and just feel the happiness. It won’t be long until I sit in this exact same chair, rocking and humming while holding my puppy….. most likely two puppies. One 10 year old, and one only 8 weeks.

I smile, and softly rock myself to sleep.